Chapter Fifteen (第1/2页)
Until t trouble myself to ill supposed I s out. Even . I only uood at last t I must give up my idea t Dr Cie o release me— for if I ime on only seemed to serve to make , ill o I s only be made to e. You too muco literary is t. But sometimes ors must o put you to literary o restore you. Look me somet e and c e before you, te—ly, mind!—your name. Your true name, I mean. tomorroart of
an at of your life; and you so it, on eac folloy he pen
And so ting a stretoto a poing of my palm. ty slate, and froe a ime to make you eful, I call t.
your teettled out of your il you tell ted ted me. t t ural to me, I did it to tease t it out t I got special attentions from Dr Cie, tending to be lo made te me, too. Only mad Miss ilson o me. Once se and, e me out my name—Mauds name, I mean. But, t it ; for , day, I again could make not scribbles, of course me shamming.
Keep ernly, until ses again.
So te out: Susan, Susa, fifty times. Nurse Bae. Nurse Spiller me, too. Dr Cie s, and needed anote— into my moutalked ing a leeco bleed my o t a made-up language she said
er t ime ing paper bags beer—looking for o startle o speaking English.
I o me, ime for sitting and planning my escape in. For I still t of not of t. It got to June. I ime in May. But I still enougo learn to study t for ime Nurse Ba took out c. I sa, as far as t, one key key from a nurses of it. But tout; and eac be crafty—kept of all. So Betty out from ook t once, and dropped to .
I never sa trembling in a seemed too I—of all people in t so lo even a fancy key, but a plain one, raigs upon it t, given t kind of blank and file, I kneo fake up. I t it, a imes a day. I t it as I it as I tle garden; as I sat in ts imes over. But my ts were more like poisons. I hey made me sick.
It of siess, not like t , in my first days t was a kind
of creeping misery, t crept so slos of t kno il too late. I still said, to everyone I e in my rig I ake— t I Maud Rivers, and must be let out at once. But I said it so often, t—like s losing too mue day at last, I again; and t me in pity.
I t t you see, Im afraid you must be mad, since you are us all. You need only look about you. You need only look at yourself.
S, as before, sy; topped, t, I could not say in look, to otie kept no looking-glasses, for fear t smas seemed to me no t time I my o Mrs Creams— at Mrs Creams?—le mirror. I put my o my eyes. tain of it. o taken it from me—and taken, too, Mauds mot —tead— I looked do myself, at tartan dress and rubber boots. I used to t t see tter. t to g a little to t of looked into t was dark, and sopped, and her face.—I blinked. She blinked. She was me.
I sloowards her, and looked myself over, in horror.
I looked, as tic. My ill
seo my s stitcood out in tufts. My face marked, s and scratc of sleep, I suppose—a tick. tartan goy ips of t I still to my . You could just make out, oh.
I looked, for pere. I looked, and t of all times t Mrs Sucksby of me in it, so I s take c of ting aside, for me, te morsels of meat; and smooteet; and passing o be sure t traig me, all to Briar, to make my fortune, so I mig une and given me o be —as say, in milliners sted res; or in dang—every glass so be everyt— to be handsome, and cheerful, and proud, and free—
I migo. tened me. I stood, not knoy woke up, and came and jabbed me.
All rigy, s, too. So lets see em. S line; and I bos, ts of t—anyt all, to save me from lifting my gaze to the look in my own mad eye.
t, I suppose, t might have been sooner,
t es ell so mucead of spending all m on your bed, you o stand in ten o s do, for every Sunday t came round; but of course, for many —eacime one came I t t, by t, I s out. to gro seemed to me t some o ell for certain spring uro summer: for t, like an oven.
I remember t, almost more t self. tance, became like soup. I tually died, t air—tie o pass off trokes. I . tempered as ts. tay er you, in , tunbridge Asylum, whe nurses all oplin—!
But t of it too easy. talked all time of roublesome and sly t of course, too dazed and miserable to be sly, trouble came all from t. t of time test one you imagine, for t us i seven oclock—gave us ts, to make us sleep—t till midnigoast and cocoa, doing fang, standing at to eac of eacheir ladies locked up and unguarded.
And in tie ake off togs and lift ts; and tand beside t we legs.
Nurse Ba did, anycty rubbing grease iimes a day. Sometimes s its s ter. t gave her dreams.
oo slippy! s. And t ;
I also dreamed. I seemed to dream every time I closed my eyes. I dreamed, as you mig Street, of troubling dreams, en I . Noill to do—a as well hose dreams bewildered me.
t dreams of all, o s greer and I began to get more and more muddled in my mind. they were dreams of Briar, and of Maud.
For I never dreamed of leman. I only ever used to dream t be blamed, you, for o kill sometimes I , not kno me, and turned and fretted in ttys great bare leg, Nurse Bas sing face, Miss ilsons arm. Mrs
Price put back , rat Maud o do: I e fet t t from Briar, fet t c t Mrs Creams, to trick; fet I meant to escape, and o do ant, be not in my bed at all but in ains doonig voice; and then: Im afraid! Im afraid—!
Dont be frig be frig t moment, to t, like Nurse Ba, I migerrible sed ed I kne, every time, I secretly o its end.
I began to be afraid I ried to kiss Mrs Price, or Betty? But if I tried to stay as upid, it also no ladies—even quiet, obedient ladies—into fits. You caugion of it from your bed: t. It broke into t and silent nigime, ill trangely—and sometimes one lady off anot mig set off you, and you o feel t gatart to s, pero tcs! Betty migart to en. top, tsteps begin to fade. ts got t word, plunge,
Betty must involve being pumped, like a drain, t o soo.
I dont kno, so all of us, nastily, as s back to one of you t off, ?
But time, it o ting for tie came running: tairs, and er and s being plunged meant being dropped in a bat gave me some fort, at least; for it seemed to me t being bat be nearly so bad as being suckered and pumped . . .
I still kne all.
t test day of all t stifling summer—t turned out to be Nurse Bas birt of it, sly to our room, to give ty. times, as I t alloo, and talking made it of us to sleep; but or—for t it doo delusions and, after, us. till, playing cards or dominoes, drinking lemonade and, sometimes, beer.
t, on at of it being Nurse Bas birt; and because it ook too mud got drunk. I lay ay face, but kept my eyes try to sleep you mig Dr Cie, I suppose, might call—a morbid fear, of
giving myself a I ougo keep ao a stupor; for teal their keys . . .
t, ead, tter. I t noo a doze: I began to en one of t, or snort er; t er t o myself, . At last I looked at t red sing faces and t open mout t boasting of o paring grips. t to one anoto palm, to see hem showed her arm.
Let us see yours, Belinda, anoty names like t. You could imagi us see it.
Nurse Ba preteo look modest; t back , it bulged. ts Iris it, and hem said,
I s, youre almost a match for Nurse Flew.
Nurse Fleo ron in a gaol. Noco see s all. ter. A matcc!
ty and Mrs Price. Sirring. Get back to sleep, s see me, cch, indeed, she
grumbled. So one of tcta, you get a string.
tittered, and t off. t came back after a minute o undress me on my first day. togetairs. Nurse Spiller looked about h her hands on her hips and said,
ell, if Dr Cie could see you! Ss t arms?
Sook it in turns to measure tc, as a man in a darkened o arm, and it trange lig queer s, a of to lurd hop.
Fifteen! teen!— Seventeen!—Eigeen! Nurse Flew !
t do, and fell about quarrelling—not so muced to attoos. Nurse Bas face han ever. She said sulkily,
As to arms, Nurse Fleake it time; t oug to t t. No weig up han me?
At o up beside ried to pick to prove it. One of them fell down.
Its no good, t so, tell. e need anot say you stand upon a c.
say, said tty? See who makes her creak.
See who makes her squeak!
t Bettys bed. Betty t to shake.
Nurse Spiller snorted. Sime. Dont make it aint fair. Make it old Miss ilson.
S!
Or, Mrs Price.
Shed cry! gs no—
Make it Maud!
One of t—I dont kno ea Nurse Spiller spoke.
Pass a ding on—
ait! ait! cried anot are you t jump on ll kill o wipe ead.
And at t, I put back t from my fad opened my eyes up ter all, t I put back t, and tarted laugoook t, and anot. t si y y panting mled, they pinched me. I said,
You leave me alone!
S up, t going to you. e only to see of Nurse Ba, Nurse Spiller and Nurse Fle to see w. Are you ready?
Get off me! Get off me! Ill tell Dr Cie!
Someone me in t, to go on ?
I le for o e forward. S her? she said.
eve got her.
Rigill
tig s and t to s, at t moment, arent fit to be described. I ear tarted to s and, again, I ru t; so t. t on to ting up , k astride of me. to fall upon me. But to take it. Nurse Ba opped her.
No dropping, s be fair. Go do at all.
So Nurse Fleil . I tead of a bed, so run. Please—! I said.
S means five points to Nurse Flew!
tuggi off me, and I sactered and cougigurn. S more aiff one, seemed to cut me like a sa sour, and tle bite, sing out!—but I , t last ts for Nurse Spiller at all!—and so off. I lifted my head
from ttress. My eyes reaming er, but beyond tty and Miss ilson and Mrs Price, looking on and s pretending to sleep. t migo t blame t my tigill flus te of have had gloves on.
S astride of me as Nurse Flew had, and flexed her fingers.
No and made it tidy. Sted my leg. No. hos my own good girl?
ter t of , and ten points! t t, like rolling-pins; and t made me scre louder. t omacill ain way. My eyes flew open. She gave me a leer.
Like it, do you? sill moving. No? e heard you did.
And at t, t me t nasty look I never uood. I uood it no once I guessed o Dr Cie, t time at Mrs Creams. t t s—t s, befentleman, as a to be mad—struck me like a bloo t. I Briar; but t t. It been touccle, and to shriek.
Get off me! I s off me! Get off me! Get off!
Nurse Ba felt me ted it crack. Shere came blood on my cheek.
t quite say I t on struggling and sill. Nurse Ba rolled from me; I t someone—probably, Nurse Spiller— me; yet still my fit kept on. I Betty started up bello otook up ts from ours. I tctles and cups! I aken frig men and ter anote, Dr Cie. . ill kig and the blood from Nurse Bas nose upon me.
S set her off?
Nurse Ba said not ? Dr Cie said again. A dream?
A dream, s arted into life. Oie, s!
t made me sie said, Rigreatment for paroxysms. You men, and Nurse Spiller. Cold er pluy minutes.
t it seemed to me no me uprig I o float. In fact, toes, day. But I dont remember, noaken do floor, to t of t remember passing to t dark corridor, to t ts, tiles be—but, only dimly. I recall most is to, at t, as t up and s over ter; t, as I pulled against traps.
t fly the shock,
as t it—ter over my face, t into my moutried to gasp—t, wtered and coughed.
I t they had hanged me.
I t I e to o plunge. Fifteen plunges in all. Fifteeugs on the rope of my life.
After t, I dont remember anything.
t er all. I lay in darkness. I did not dream. I did not t say I e myself, again. For s and took me bay old room, and I like a lamb. I t and, like t notalk of putting vas bracelets on me, in case I s in anot; but I lay so quietly, tie, in my beted it, and I supposed t, getting me alone, s—I t, if saken t it seemed to me t s me oddly; and me. No it? e must of fun, mustnt we? or we should go mad . . .
I turned my face aill c care. I cared for not up my nerve and my spirit, all t time. I ed for my oo gr curtain across it. ried to go over treets of t my reets. If
ty—a place so different from ty I kne migo anso Maud and Mrs Rivers; sometimes it seemed to me I must be Maud, sinany people said I imes I even seemed to dream, not my o imes to remember t shem.
t Nurse Ba—greer t I I got used to being s used to seeing oturn. I got used to it all. I got used to my bed, to to Miss ilson and Mrs Price, to Betty, to Dr Cie. I s, no I ter, but only t my malady aken a different turn, and urn back. Until it did, t in trying to cure me; so opped trying. I trutoget so , and t money. No and looked into my mout stay long in t all, o most of our time t used to t.
God knoo. God kno place—maybe, years. Maybe as long as poor Miss ilson: for per put be today. I still t and s never out; and Mrs Sucksby and Mr Ibbs, aleman, and Maud— whey be, now?
I t, too.
But t out. Blame Fortune. Fortunes blind, and u roy to t
it?—and a prio ty. Fortu me at Dr Cies nearly all t summer long; ten to me.
ter time in July. tupid I by till a in ted for to be rung; and, in ternoons, you o to do. to stay aime pass. I slept as muue or, to ell me again; and .
A visitor? I said.
Nurse Spiller folded Nurse Ba, will rubbing her knuckles and wing. Bad? she said.
Like scorpions stings, Nurse Spiller.
Nurse Spiller tutted. I said again,
A visitor? For me?
Soday, or not?
I did not kno I rose, on s—for if tor , leman. My point, t I only kne I . I looked at Miss ilson. I I o if Gentleman came I , t of seeing ed, it made me sick.
Nurse Spiller sae. e on, s mind your my o my o be, tter. Saves disappoi, dont it? S Nurse Ba. then: e on!
scumbled after o tairs.
It k, for on ednesdays Dr Cie and Dr Graves off in to drum up neics, and t. Some nurses, and one or tanding about in taking breatte and, look at me, t o e, and feeling sicker and stranger by the sed.
In o my arm and pulled me to been used in a wors are away. You hear me?
So t voice, to ting there.
I ed Gentleman. It sed of my seeing a rusment so s s ranger, and supposed t take, ures in a be of last, at last—as if o ts or cloudy er—at last I kne. ilted me, and past Nurse Spiller, as if t Maud must be ing along be me again, and his eyes grew wide.
And it , t saved me. time t Mrs Creams, t me and seen, not Maud, but Sue. t. ture, too—for in tanding in ting slip from me and then e
back baffled, my oo leave me and I formed a plan. I formed it .
It e.
C used to speaking, and it came out like a croak. C be very e and make a visit to your old mistress!
And I to taking my eyes away from o me and I w weeping, in his ear:
Say Im all! Say Im her! Oh, please say Im her!
I kept . epped back. a scarlet line across all over. h. he said,
Miss, I— Miss—
Of course, , at Briar. t of nasty satisfa, ell, aint it marvellous Dr Cie be pleased?
I turned and cauganding? t s rig. Not too close, t say art clas better. Nos kig up, you sing out—all right?
e , in till looked beood in t c surned o to nod and murmur to the nurses beyond.
I still give it up. I leaowards rembling, and spoke in a whisper. I said
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Until t trouble myself to ill supposed I s out. Even . I only uood at last t I must give up my idea t Dr Cie o release me— for if I ime on only seemed to serve to make , ill o I s only be made to e. You too muco literary is t. But sometimes ors must o put you to literary o restore you. Look me somet e and c e before you, te—ly, mind!—your name. Your true name, I mean. tomorroart of
an at of your life; and you so it, on eac folloy he pen
And so ting a stretoto a poing of my palm. ty slate, and froe a ime to make you eful, I call t.
your teettled out of your il you tell ted ted me. t t ural to me, I did it to tease t it out t I got special attentions from Dr Cie, tending to be lo made te me, too. Only mad Miss ilson o me. Once se and, e me out my name—Mauds name, I mean. But, t it ; for , day, I again could make not scribbles, of course me shamming.
Keep ernly, until ses again.
So te out: Susan, Susa, fifty times. Nurse Bae. Nurse Spiller me, too. Dr Cie s, and needed anote— into my moutalked ing a leeco bleed my o t a made-up language she said
er t ime ing paper bags beer—looking for o startle o speaking English.
I o me, ime for sitting and planning my escape in. For I still t of not of t. It got to June. I ime in May. But I still enougo learn to study t for ime Nurse Ba took out c. I sa, as far as t, one key key from a nurses of it. But tout; and eac be crafty—kept of all. So Betty out from ook t once, and dropped to .
I never sa trembling in a seemed too I—of all people in t so lo even a fancy key, but a plain one, raigs upon it t, given t kind of blank and file, I kneo fake up. I t it, a imes a day. I t it as I it as I tle garden; as I sat in ts imes over. But my ts were more like poisons. I hey made me sick.
It of siess, not like t , in my first days t was a kind
of creeping misery, t crept so slos of t kno il too late. I still said, to everyone I e in my rig I ake— t I Maud Rivers, and must be let out at once. But I said it so often, t—like s losing too mue day at last, I again; and t me in pity.
I t t you see, Im afraid you must be mad, since you are us all. You need only look about you. You need only look at yourself.
S, as before, sy; topped, t, I could not say in look, to otie kept no looking-glasses, for fear t smas seemed to me no t time I my o Mrs Creams— at Mrs Creams?—le mirror. I put my o my eyes. tain of it. o taken it from me—and taken, too, Mauds mot —tead— I looked do myself, at tartan dress and rubber boots. I used to t t see tter. t to g a little to t of looked into t was dark, and sopped, and her face.—I blinked. She blinked. She was me.
I sloowards her, and looked myself over, in horror.
I looked, as tic. My ill
seo my s stitcood out in tufts. My face marked, s and scratc of sleep, I suppose—a tick. tartan goy ips of t I still to my . You could just make out, oh.
I looked, for pere. I looked, and t of all times t Mrs Sucksby of me in it, so I s take c of ting aside, for me, te morsels of meat; and smooteet; and passing o be sure t traig me, all to Briar, to make my fortune, so I mig une and given me o be —as say, in milliners sted res; or in dang—every glass so be everyt— to be handsome, and cheerful, and proud, and free—
I migo. tened me. I stood, not knoy woke up, and came and jabbed me.
All rigy, s, too. So lets see em. S line; and I bos, ts of t—anyt all, to save me from lifting my gaze to the look in my own mad eye.
t, I suppose, t might have been sooner,
t es ell so mucead of spending all m on your bed, you o stand in ten o s do, for every Sunday t came round; but of course, for many —eacime one came I t t, by t, I s out. to gro seemed to me t some o ell for certain spring uro summer: for t, like an oven.
I remember t, almost more t self. tance, became like soup. I tually died, t air—tie o pass off trokes. I . tempered as ts. tay er you, in , tunbridge Asylum, whe nurses all oplin—!
But t of it too easy. talked all time of roublesome and sly t of course, too dazed and miserable to be sly, trouble came all from t. t of time test one you imagine, for t us i seven oclock—gave us ts, to make us sleep—t till midnigoast and cocoa, doing fang, standing at to eac of eacheir ladies locked up and unguarded.
And in tie ake off togs and lift ts; and tand beside t we legs.
Nurse Ba did, anycty rubbing grease iimes a day. Sometimes s its s ter. t gave her dreams.
oo slippy! s. And t ;
I also dreamed. I seemed to dream every time I closed my eyes. I dreamed, as you mig Street, of troubling dreams, en I . Noill to do—a as well hose dreams bewildered me.
t dreams of all, o s greer and I began to get more and more muddled in my mind. they were dreams of Briar, and of Maud.
For I never dreamed of leman. I only ever used to dream t be blamed, you, for o kill sometimes I , not kno me, and turned and fretted in ttys great bare leg, Nurse Bas sing face, Miss ilsons arm. Mrs
Price put back , rat Maud o do: I e fet t t from Briar, fet t c t Mrs Creams, to trick; fet I meant to escape, and o do ant, be not in my bed at all but in ains doonig voice; and then: Im afraid! Im afraid—!
Dont be frig be frig t moment, to t, like Nurse Ba, I migerrible sed ed I kne, every time, I secretly o its end.
I began to be afraid I ried to kiss Mrs Price, or Betty? But if I tried to stay as upid, it also no ladies—even quiet, obedient ladies—into fits. You caugion of it from your bed: t. It broke into t and silent nigime, ill trangely—and sometimes one lady off anot mig set off you, and you o feel t gatart to s, pero tcs! Betty migart to en. top, tsteps begin to fade. ts got t word, plunge,
Betty must involve being pumped, like a drain, t o soo.
I dont kno, so all of us, nastily, as s back to one of you t off, ?
But time, it o ting for tie came running: tairs, and er and s being plunged meant being dropped in a bat gave me some fort, at least; for it seemed to me t being bat be nearly so bad as being suckered and pumped . . .
I still kne all.
t test day of all t stifling summer—t turned out to be Nurse Bas birt of it, sly to our room, to give ty. times, as I t alloo, and talking made it of us to sleep; but or—for t it doo delusions and, after, us. till, playing cards or dominoes, drinking lemonade and, sometimes, beer.
t, on at of it being Nurse Bas birt; and because it ook too mud got drunk. I lay ay face, but kept my eyes try to sleep you mig Dr Cie, I suppose, might call—a morbid fear, of
giving myself a I ougo keep ao a stupor; for teal their keys . . .
t, ead, tter. I t noo a doze: I began to en one of t, or snort er; t er t o myself, . At last I looked at t red sing faces and t open mout t boasting of o paring grips. t to one anoto palm, to see hem showed her arm.
Let us see yours, Belinda, anoty names like t. You could imagi us see it.
Nurse Ba preteo look modest; t back , it bulged. ts Iris it, and hem said,
I s, youre almost a match for Nurse Flew.
Nurse Fleo ron in a gaol. Noco see s all. ter. A matcc!
ty and Mrs Price. Sirring. Get back to sleep, s see me, cch, indeed, she
grumbled. So one of tcta, you get a string.
tittered, and t off. t came back after a minute o undress me on my first day. togetairs. Nurse Spiller looked about h her hands on her hips and said,
ell, if Dr Cie could see you! Ss t arms?
Sook it in turns to measure tc, as a man in a darkened o arm, and it trange lig queer s, a of to lurd hop.
Fifteen! teen!— Seventeen!—Eigeen! Nurse Flew !
t do, and fell about quarrelling—not so muced to attoos. Nurse Bas face han ever. She said sulkily,
As to arms, Nurse Fleake it time; t oug to t t. No weig up han me?
At o up beside ried to pick to prove it. One of them fell down.
Its no good, t so, tell. e need anot say you stand upon a c.
say, said tty? See who makes her creak.
See who makes her squeak!
t Bettys bed. Betty t to shake.
Nurse Spiller snorted. Sime. Dont make it aint fair. Make it old Miss ilson.
S!
Or, Mrs Price.
Shed cry! gs no—
Make it Maud!
One of t—I dont kno ea Nurse Spiller spoke.
Pass a ding on—
ait! ait! cried anot are you t jump on ll kill o wipe ead.
And at t, I put back t from my fad opened my eyes up ter all, t I put back t, and tarted laugoook t, and anot. t si y y panting mled, they pinched me. I said,
You leave me alone!
S up, t going to you. e only to see of Nurse Ba, Nurse Spiller and Nurse Fle to see w. Are you ready?
Get off me! Get off me! Ill tell Dr Cie!
Someone me in t, to go on ?
I le for o e forward. S her? she said.
eve got her.
Rigill
tig s and t to s, at t moment, arent fit to be described. I ear tarted to s and, again, I ru t; so t. t on to ting up , k astride of me. to fall upon me. But to take it. Nurse Ba opped her.
No dropping, s be fair. Go do at all.
So Nurse Fleil . I tead of a bed, so run. Please—! I said.
S means five points to Nurse Flew!
tuggi off me, and I sactered and cougigurn. S more aiff one, seemed to cut me like a sa sour, and tle bite, sing out!—but I , t last ts for Nurse Spiller at all!—and so off. I lifted my head
from ttress. My eyes reaming er, but beyond tty and Miss ilson and Mrs Price, looking on and s pretending to sleep. t migo t blame t my tigill flus te of have had gloves on.
S astride of me as Nurse Flew had, and flexed her fingers.
No and made it tidy. Sted my leg. No. hos my own good girl?
ter t of , and ten points! t t, like rolling-pins; and t made me scre louder. t omacill ain way. My eyes flew open. She gave me a leer.
Like it, do you? sill moving. No? e heard you did.
And at t, t me t nasty look I never uood. I uood it no once I guessed o Dr Cie, t time at Mrs Creams. t t s—t s, befentleman, as a to be mad—struck me like a bloo t. I Briar; but t t. It been touccle, and to shriek.
Get off me! I s off me! Get off me! Get off!
Nurse Ba felt me ted it crack. Shere came blood on my cheek.
t quite say I t on struggling and sill. Nurse Ba rolled from me; I t someone—probably, Nurse Spiller— me; yet still my fit kept on. I Betty started up bello otook up ts from ours. I tctles and cups! I aken frig men and ter anote, Dr Cie. . ill kig and the blood from Nurse Bas nose upon me.
S set her off?
Nurse Ba said not ? Dr Cie said again. A dream?
A dream, s arted into life. Oie, s!
t made me sie said, Rigreatment for paroxysms. You men, and Nurse Spiller. Cold er pluy minutes.
t it seemed to me no me uprig I o float. In fact, toes, day. But I dont remember, noaken do floor, to t of t remember passing to t dark corridor, to t ts, tiles be—but, only dimly. I recall most is to, at t, as t up and s over ter; t, as I pulled against traps.
t fly the shock,
as t it—ter over my face, t into my moutried to gasp—t, wtered and coughed.
I t they had hanged me.
I t I e to o plunge. Fifteen plunges in all. Fifteeugs on the rope of my life.
After t, I dont remember anything.
t er all. I lay in darkness. I did not dream. I did not t say I e myself, again. For s and took me bay old room, and I like a lamb. I t and, like t notalk of putting vas bracelets on me, in case I s in anot; but I lay so quietly, tie, in my beted it, and I supposed t, getting me alone, s—I t, if saken t it seemed to me t s me oddly; and me. No it? e must of fun, mustnt we? or we should go mad . . .
I turned my face aill c care. I cared for not up my nerve and my spirit, all t time. I ed for my oo gr curtain across it. ried to go over treets of t my reets. If
ty—a place so different from ty I kne migo anso Maud and Mrs Rivers; sometimes it seemed to me I must be Maud, sinany people said I imes I even seemed to dream, not my o imes to remember t shem.
t Nurse Ba—greer t I I got used to being s used to seeing oturn. I got used to it all. I got used to my bed, to to Miss ilson and Mrs Price, to Betty, to Dr Cie. I s, no I ter, but only t my malady aken a different turn, and urn back. Until it did, t in trying to cure me; so opped trying. I trutoget so , and t money. No and looked into my mout stay long in t all, o most of our time t used to t.
God knoo. God kno place—maybe, years. Maybe as long as poor Miss ilson: for per put be today. I still t and s never out; and Mrs Sucksby and Mr Ibbs, aleman, and Maud— whey be, now?
I t, too.
But t out. Blame Fortune. Fortunes blind, and u roy to t
it?—and a prio ty. Fortu me at Dr Cies nearly all t summer long; ten to me.
ter time in July. tupid I by till a in ted for to be rung; and, in ternoons, you o to do. to stay aime pass. I slept as muue or, to ell me again; and .
A visitor? I said.
Nurse Spiller folded Nurse Ba, will rubbing her knuckles and wing. Bad? she said.
Like scorpions stings, Nurse Spiller.
Nurse Spiller tutted. I said again,
A visitor? For me?
Soday, or not?
I did not kno I rose, on s—for if tor , leman. My point, t I only kne I . I looked at Miss ilson. I I o if Gentleman came I , t of seeing ed, it made me sick.
Nurse Spiller sae. e on, s mind your my o my o be, tter. Saves disappoi, dont it? S Nurse Ba. then: e on!
scumbled after o tairs.
It k, for on ednesdays Dr Cie and Dr Graves off in to drum up neics, and t. Some nurses, and one or tanding about in taking breatte and, look at me, t o e, and feeling sicker and stranger by the sed.
In o my arm and pulled me to been used in a wors are away. You hear me?
So t voice, to ting there.
I ed Gentleman. It sed of my seeing a rusment so s s ranger, and supposed t take, ures in a be of last, at last—as if o ts or cloudy er—at last I kne. ilted me, and past Nurse Spiller, as if t Maud must be ing along be me again, and his eyes grew wide.
And it , t saved me. time t Mrs Creams, t me and seen, not Maud, but Sue. t. ture, too—for in tanding in ting slip from me and then e
back baffled, my oo leave me and I formed a plan. I formed it .
It e.
C used to speaking, and it came out like a croak. C be very e and make a visit to your old mistress!
And I to taking my eyes away from o me and I w weeping, in his ear:
Say Im all! Say Im her! Oh, please say Im her!
I kept . epped back. a scarlet line across all over. h. he said,
Miss, I— Miss—
Of course, , at Briar. t of nasty satisfa, ell, aint it marvellous Dr Cie be pleased?
I turned and cauganding? t s rig. Not too close, t say art clas better. Nos kig up, you sing out—all right?
e , in till looked beood in t c surned o to nod and murmur to the nurses beyond.
I still give it up. I leaowards rembling, and spoke in a whisper. I said
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